Sunday, June 3, 2007

Separation Anxiety

I helped my boyfriend drive to California last week. He's doing an internship at a very cool company in the Silicon Valley over the summer and may not be back at all until the end of August.

The trip was amazing. We took the long way, visited my brother's family and his parents (who I was nervous and excited to meet) and then drove the northern route across the country. I don't guess I've seen so much natural beauty, all in the span of a few days, in my whole life. I would recommend this trip to everyone... especially stopping in Yellowstone.

I would be lying, though, if I did not admit that I feel some anxiety about our extended separation at this point in our relationship.

We have only been together since January and it has not been the easiest partnership in some ways. It's not that we don't get along, we get along amazingly well, in fact, it's just that things have happened too quickly in some very important ways and I don't feel altogether secure.

I became pregnant very quickly, like within a month of our being together, and that of course has not been the easiest thing for either of us. I guess we are both "used" to the idea of being parents by now... or as used to it as we could possibly be at this point... and I know that he cares for me deeply, but I am in love with him and that feeling is not yet returned.

It has not been long. I think it is normal that he is not as deeply involved, emotionally, with me yet, but it does not help ease my fears about things between us. And I wonder how such a long period of being apart will affect how we feel about each other when he returns. We will almost have to get to know each other all over again (him being away half as long as we've been together). I guess I am afraid that when he comes back he will not want to be with me any more... I'd guess my fears are natural as well.

And it's not that I would have wanted him to forgo this opportunity. I am very excited for him to be doing this internship. I believe it is a great chance for him to get a better idea of what he wants to do with his life and I honestly believe that, having seen where he is living, the Silicon Valley suits him quite well.

I don't, in fact, believe I would wish things any different than they are. I only wish I was more secure in our relationship... because even if it is selfish for me to feel this way, I really don't want to lose what we have.

He assures me that no matter what happens he will always be my friend, and that he will always be there for me. The thing is that I don't want to just be his friend, even as much as I really hope and want for him to be happy.

In the end it doesn't so much matter what I want, though. Things happen; life changes, and we all have to live with whatever we are presented with and make our way the best we can.

But, to illustrate my anxiety I had an awful nightmare last night/this morning. I have been having them sporadically and they have all revolved around him betraying me, or abandoning me, in some way. Last night it was that he left me for another woman, his ex (who he did love), and in the most callous of ways. The thing is that I trust him to not cheat on me or do anything like that... I guess I may not trust men as much as I thought I did (which was much more, I believed, than I was "supposed" to trust given my past).

Beyond that, though, while I trust him to be honest with me and to not betray me willingly, I know that sometimes things happen and people develop feelings for other people whether or not they want to. And given the situation which we are in I guess I worry that he might feel as though I am a hardship on him, things must have been simpler before me and the pregnancy, and that someone else might be much more attractive in being less complicated and requiring less of him than I, and Lily, undoubtedly do and will. And maybe also that being pregnant has sapped much of my energy and probably made me a lot less fun and exciting than I otherwise might be.

But he is not a fickle man. I don't think my anxieties are grounded in reality, really, but they are there none-the-less. I guess my job over the next couple of months will be to stay calm and try not to worry about it. Because the truth is that even if he comes back and tells me he no longer wants to be with me, I will be OK and so will our daughter, even if it would take some time to figure out that we will be so.

So strange to worry about such things. I'm not a natural worrier. I guess I should get used to it though... I hear parenting makes worriers of the most relaxed people in the world :)

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