I am not one of those writers who can sort things out by writing-- well, not personal things anyway. I can develop my ideas, opinions on whatever, and whimsies with the keyboard or a pen and paper, but when it comes to personal issues and events... my writing invariably suffers while I sort things out.
In any case that is my justification for neglecting my blog for so long :) I guess it's just that I am completely consumed by this pregnancy and all of the things that come along with it, and I don't feel as if I am capable, at this point, of seriously thinking about much else. I also don't want to turn this into a baby blog (I hope to keep it more intellectual etc..) but today I will write a bit about my feelings on how my life will change this October.
One of the most surprising things, to me, is how much I am changing as a result of this event. For all of my life I have felt more a child than an adult, and have reveled in the freedom I demanded. Now, I will have to be more adult than I ever really contemplated... but then again I hope to avoid actually really growing up.
Mostly I see how I consider everything in terms of this child. What kind of music I listen to, the choices I am making and will make, the kind of people I want to expose him/her to, my ideals as a parent. Yes, I'm sure this is normal and that everyone goes through it when they are about to become parents. I guess it's still just coming as a surprise to me how very seriously I am taking this... I'm not particularly known for seriousness.
and there are so many things to consider. I know a few things about the kind of parent I hope to be. I know I want to be balanced; to find the right place between protecting the child and facilitating independence of mind and spirit. I hope to teach him/her to live healthily, to have respect for him/herself and others, to have a good moral foundation etc.. I think I have some ideas of how to accomplish this. I'm not so sure if I know how to achieve the practicalities of this mission though. For instance, I am pretty much opposed to daycare, preschool etc. and hope to be a stay at home mother, at least mostly. I really even want to homeschool-- mostly because I really distrust the ability of schools to provide appropriate (good) education for any child and think I can do much better. But how will I accomplish this as a mostly single mother? How frugal can I be? Can I manage to do this at all?
I think it will be somewhat easier to manage as long as I am still in school... I think. And I generally do find a way to do things... I just worry about doing this right. I won't have another chance to be the best mother I can be to this child.
And also, I am worried about this being a mostly single parent. It really makes me more adamant about being home. If he is only going to be a part time parent, how can I at all justify being any less than a full time one? It seems so unfair, so wrong, to raise a child with two part time parents-- like in the end you aren't raising your child at all, but rather giving that responsibility to strangers. That is something I cannot even stand to consider.
So there are a million concerns and things to think about and I'm sure I will write some more, sometimes, about certain issues regarding parenting here. I will try to stay more to the literary, cultural, art etc issues. But right now they just aren't the things I'm mostly thinking about :)