Cute, Cute, Cute!

I kinda like cute stuff.. Baby animals, baby people, animals, comics... you know, the usual. I have to tell you tat when I am in need of a cute fix I will head on over to Cute Overload (http://cuteoverload.com/) for my dose.

Today I was surfing Google video and found a very cute video of a baby Panda bear sneezing (and startling the bejesus out of mommy panda). Find it here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8922875251875301807

I'd love to hear about cute stuff you come across as well :)

Separation Anxiety

I helped my boyfriend drive to California last week. He's doing an internship at a very cool company in the Silicon Valley over the summer and may not be back at all until the end of August.

The trip was amazing. We took the long way, visited my brother's family and his parents (who I was nervous and excited to meet) and then drove the northern route across the country. I don't guess I've seen so much natural beauty, all in the span of a few days, in my whole life. I would recommend this trip to everyone... especially stopping in Yellowstone.

I would be lying, though, if I did not admit that I feel some anxiety about our extended separation at this point in our relationship.

We have only been together since January and it has not been the easiest partnership in some ways. It's not that we don't get along, we get along amazingly well, in fact, it's just that things have happened too quickly in some very important ways and I don't feel altogether secure.

I became pregnant very quickly, like within a month of our being together, and that of course has not been the easiest thing for either of us. I guess we are both "used" to the idea of being parents by now... or as used to it as we could possibly be at this point... and I know that he cares for me deeply, but I am in love with him and that feeling is not yet returned.

It has not been long. I think it is normal that he is not as deeply involved, emotionally, with me yet, but it does not help ease my fears about things between us. And I wonder how such a long period of being apart will affect how we feel about each other when he returns. We will almost have to get to know each other all over again (him being away half as long as we've been together). I guess I am afraid that when he comes back he will not want to be with me any more... I'd guess my fears are natural as well.

And it's not that I would have wanted him to forgo this opportunity. I am very excited for him to be doing this internship. I believe it is a great chance for him to get a better idea of what he wants to do with his life and I honestly believe that, having seen where he is living, the Silicon Valley suits him quite well.

I don't, in fact, believe I would wish things any different than they are. I only wish I was more secure in our relationship... because even if it is selfish for me to feel this way, I really don't want to lose what we have.

He assures me that no matter what happens he will always be my friend, and that he will always be there for me. The thing is that I don't want to just be his friend, even as much as I really hope and want for him to be happy.

In the end it doesn't so much matter what I want, though. Things happen; life changes, and we all have to live with whatever we are presented with and make our way the best we can.

But, to illustrate my anxiety I had an awful nightmare last night/this morning. I have been having them sporadically and they have all revolved around him betraying me, or abandoning me, in some way. Last night it was that he left me for another woman, his ex (who he did love), and in the most callous of ways. The thing is that I trust him to not cheat on me or do anything like that... I guess I may not trust men as much as I thought I did (which was much more, I believed, than I was "supposed" to trust given my past).

Beyond that, though, while I trust him to be honest with me and to not betray me willingly, I know that sometimes things happen and people develop feelings for other people whether or not they want to. And given the situation which we are in I guess I worry that he might feel as though I am a hardship on him, things must have been simpler before me and the pregnancy, and that someone else might be much more attractive in being less complicated and requiring less of him than I, and Lily, undoubtedly do and will. And maybe also that being pregnant has sapped much of my energy and probably made me a lot less fun and exciting than I otherwise might be.

But he is not a fickle man. I don't think my anxieties are grounded in reality, really, but they are there none-the-less. I guess my job over the next couple of months will be to stay calm and try not to worry about it. Because the truth is that even if he comes back and tells me he no longer wants to be with me, I will be OK and so will our daughter, even if it would take some time to figure out that we will be so.

So strange to worry about such things. I'm not a natural worrier. I guess I should get used to it though... I hear parenting makes worriers of the most relaxed people in the world :)

On my Vacation from Writing

I am not one of those writers who can sort things out by writing-- well, not personal things anyway. I can develop my ideas, opinions on whatever, and whimsies with the keyboard or a pen and paper, but when it comes to personal issues and events... my writing invariably suffers while I sort things out.

In any case that is my justification for neglecting my blog for so long :) I guess it's just that I am completely consumed by this pregnancy and all of the things that come along with it, and I don't feel as if I am capable, at this point, of seriously thinking about much else. I also don't want to turn this into a baby blog (I hope to keep it more intellectual etc..) but today I will write a bit about my feelings on how my life will change this October.

One of the most surprising things, to me, is how much I am changing as a result of this event. For all of my life I have felt more a child than an adult, and have reveled in the freedom I demanded. Now, I will have to be more adult than I ever really contemplated... but then again I hope to avoid actually really growing up.

Mostly I see how I consider everything in terms of this child. What kind of music I listen to, the choices I am making and will make, the kind of people I want to expose him/her to, my ideals as a parent. Yes, I'm sure this is normal and that everyone goes through it when they are about to become parents. I guess it's still just coming as a surprise to me how very seriously I am taking this... I'm not particularly known for seriousness.

and there are so many things to consider. I know a few things about the kind of parent I hope to be. I know I want to be balanced; to find the right place between protecting the child and facilitating independence of mind and spirit. I hope to teach him/her to live healthily, to have respect for him/herself and others, to have a good moral foundation etc.. I think I have some ideas of how to accomplish this. I'm not so sure if I know how to achieve the practicalities of this mission though. For instance, I am pretty much opposed to daycare, preschool etc. and hope to be a stay at home mother, at least mostly. I really even want to homeschool-- mostly because I really distrust the ability of schools to provide appropriate (good) education for any child and think I can do much better. But how will I accomplish this as a mostly single mother? How frugal can I be? Can I manage to do this at all?

I think it will be somewhat easier to manage as long as I am still in school... I think. And I generally do find a way to do things... I just worry about doing this right. I won't have another chance to be the best mother I can be to this child.

And also, I am worried about this being a mostly single parent. It really makes me more adamant about being home. If he is only going to be a part time parent, how can I at all justify being any less than a full time one? It seems so unfair, so wrong, to raise a child with two part time parents-- like in the end you aren't raising your child at all, but rather giving that responsibility to strangers. That is something I cannot even stand to consider.

So there are a million concerns and things to think about and I'm sure I will write some more, sometimes, about certain issues regarding parenting here. I will try to stay more to the literary, cultural, art etc issues. But right now they just aren't the things I'm mostly thinking about :)