My Father and Religion

My father has been very ill since mid-November.  He first had pneumonia (for months) and finally got over it in late february and then suddenly devloped further breathing problems and found out that he had copious amounts of fluid surrounding his lungs and making it hard for him to breathe.  He was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago; they tried to drain the fluid but were unable to get all of it so they operated on him to get it all out.

He is now on the mend and is supposed to be released from the hospital friday or saturday.  They say he should recover completely and be back to his normal self.

This has been a difficult ordeal for all of us; my older brother has born the brunt of his care and I have been helpless to do anything since I am so far away.  His illness, though, has taught me a lot about myself and my feelings for my father.

For as long as I can remember, I believed that I didn't love my dad.  He is not a good person; he has hurt many people in his life, he is not kind, he has no empathy for anyone, is narcissistic, abusive, critical, a pedophile, sexist, racist, and downright mean.  My first nightmare, when I was young enough to be in a baby-bed, featured him as the boogey monster; killing my mom and brother so he could have me all to himself.  All of my nightmares as a child were a variation on that theme... always him, big and powerful, killing and torturing my loved-ones so he could have me.

For I was his favorite child, and he was very obvious about it.  And even though (or perhaps because) I was unattached and didn't like him, and my brother followed him around like an abused puppy, I was always his little princess and got (forced to endure) the mass of his affection.

As soon as I was able  to stop regular visitation with him I did.  I saw him as rarely as possible and believed that I didn't care about him at all.  In the past few years I have patiently listened as he talked for hours about nothing in particular, I saw him as much as my sense of daughterly duty required, and have basically provided the bare minimum of my time and thought.  I have little anger for him, because I don't think he is capable of being a better person than he is, no expectations that he will change, and very little bitterness about what I should have had from him as a father.  All of those things would do nothing to change the past and would only make me unhappy if I were to hang onto them.

And I always thought it would not bother me when he eventually died; until January when he thought he had lung cancer.  When he told me that news I cried for hours, I was sad for days, and preoccupied with his loss for the months since then.  Whether or not I actually LOVE him, he is a huge part of my life.  I can't actually imagine the world without him in it, and I have come to realize that I will lose a part of myself when he is gone.

There is nothing for me to do now except be as good of a daughter to him as I can be.  To listen without reproof when he advises me, counsel him to forget about petty worries and concentrate on getting better, pretend to follow his wisdom, and tell him that I know he did his best for both of his children.

Because, I feel sorry for this man.  The only good I know of that he has brought to this world is the children he created and the children we have produced.  He has lived as a selfish and mean person and is alone because of it.  He has hurt, even destroyed, other people and I'm sure that he is now regretting his bad deeds.  He knows he is nearing the end of his life and he is very much alone in his suffering.

Many might say he deserves this suffering, and more.  Perhaps he does, but it is still hard to see. And now he is finding God and I hope he is finding comfort in it... I hope he will come to peace with what he has and has not done and end his life in comfort.

And this is what I believe religion is for on a personal level.  It is a vehicle for finding comfort and meaning throughout the hardships of life and in the yawning endlessness of death.  I do not have religion or it's comfort, but I hope that Lily will possess the faith I cannot find.  I believe that religion, or belief in God, makes people happier and that the happiness it brings to individuals is reason enough to support its being.

For that is what is important in life... happiness.  We all look for it and will hopefully find it during our time here on earth.  I know that many people cite the cruelty and war that has historically been wrought by religious fanatacism as a reason for religion to be done away with.  I know that religion has been the cause of more death and destruction than any other source in history... but I would say that it was not relion that caused such wrong-doing, but rather a fanatacism that can be attached to any belief, any cause.

I have personally seen faith as a mostly good influence in the lives of my friends and family.  It is, for them, a source of strength and satisfaction.  I would not want to see that taken away from them any more than I would want to be forced to lie and say I have faith when I have none.

St. Patty's Day goodness & making a home

Have I mentioned, yet, that I LOVE California?  Today has been an amazing day; the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming (jasmine wafts through the air everywhere you go), and it's 67 degrees out today. 

I feel like I am blooming here, and so is Lily.  We both love taking our long walks together; enjoying the fresh clean air from the mountains as we admire the amazing variety of plants and birds that live in the yards of the homes in our nieghborhood.  Eric says it gets to be almost too beautiful here, that it becomes hard to notice the beauty because its always here, it becomes normal.  I find it hard to imagine a time when I wouldn't be amazed by the hummingbirds, citrus trees, abundance of exotic flowers, and minty-sweet mix of eucalyptus and Jasmine fragrance dancing together in the wind.

In addition to enjoying the amazing spring here, I've also been thinking a great deal about how to make our new house feel like a home.  We will be closing on the new place April 10th, and I want to at least get the walls painted and floors refinished before we move in (a tricky prospect since I'll be visiting st. louis from the 15th to the 22nd :) )

I'll start with the outside, 

Since the exterior paint is in good shape, we won't be painting the outside anytime soon.  It has a shake roof that needs to be replaced in the near future and I think we are planning to replace it with one of the new composite metal roofs that look like tiles, in late summer sometime.

One of the major things we want to do with the front exterior is renovate the landscaping.  The house has some very nice camillias and succulents in front but we will likely need to re-sod and fix up what is there.  There is a nice arbor on the front porch and we are excitedly planning to grow a passion fruit vine on it.  They have amazingly beautiful flowers!

The Backyard:  As you can see, the entire backyard is consumed by this monster deck and pool.  The deck is moderately nice bit the pool is just a hole dug in the ground and the dirt covered with a liner.  We plan to tear out most, if not all, of the deck and fill in the pool pit with dirt.  We will sod a bit but also plan to have some nice garden areas, including a cute little lily garden (maybe with a pond, fish, and frogs!) in an alcove just outside the master bedroom (where we will install french doors to the yard).  

The yard itself is sadly lacking in trees, too, so we plan to plant a citrus tree (perhaps hybrid with orange, lemon, and lime), a palm tree, an avocado, and maybe a fig... at least :)  We are also looking at birds of paradise, hibiscus, poppies, cannas, wisteria and grapes for the patio overhang, and other beautiful and unusual plants I've never even heard of before :)

The dining room/reading nook:

For this room, which is where you enter the home, I think we are going to paint the walls a rich dark chocolate color.  We will leave the trim white, and perhaps eventually add crown molding.  I am also seriously considering, because it's a big room, making part of it a nice secluded reading nook... but we'll see about that in a few months.

The Kitchen:

The view on the left is from the family room, which I will get to in a sec, you can see that the kitchen is open to the family room with a nice double counter.  the doorway in the back leads into the front/dining room.  I am thinking I will paint the walls of the kitchen a soft celery color that will mesh well with the chocolate.  I am going to paint the top cabinets white and the bottom cabinets the same chocolate color as the walls in the dining room (with high gloss paint).  We will be replacing the fridge and stove with new ones (after we run the gas line to the kitchen), but I think we might stick to a white finish because stainless is incredibly hard to keep looking clean (and free of fingerprints!).  We will also be replacing the pulls and knobs with something a bit more interesting and I want to do something cool with the inside of the cabinets... I'm just not quite sure what yet.  The floor is nicely tiled so we don't have to worry about that, but I will scatter a few colorful rugs about.

The Family Room:

So, as you can see, the family room is a bit (ahem) dated (and dark!!!).  In order to lighten things up I plan to paint the wall paneling a very pale, almost white, ocean-y blue and then all of the molding, mantle, and shelves white.  I haven't decided what to do about the ceiling beams quite yet... I don't like the color they currently are but can't decide between leaving them as is or painting them white as well.  Once the room is painted I think it will have a nice, light and airy feel which is aided by the beautiful skylight.

There are two windows along the left side wall that used to be exterior, but are now interior windows into an interesting triangular room that will be our craft room and office.  There are no pictures of it, or any of the other rooms, at the moment.  I am considering painting the walls of that room a nice tiffany-box blue, because I find that color to be peaceful and inspiring.  I will probably also paint Lily's room in that color.

Bedrooms: There are 3 official bedrooms in the house.  The smallest is Lily's room.  It is currently painted a dark purple color that makes it look even smaller; and it's REALLY small.  I will paint her walls blue, make the end of the room into her bed alcove, with sheers enclosing the bed and, if there's enough room, a might table.  I haven't thought much further than that yet :)

The 2nd bedroom is a nice size with great built in closets and cabinets.  I originally wanted to use it as my craft room but Eric prefers if we use the addition because it's not really well-made enough to be a bedroom (no insulation) and is the only inside garage access point.  So, Sabrina will get that room and it is probably better that way anyway.  It is a nice size and further away from where we will likely spend most of our time (the family room/kitchen) so she can have her privacy and quiet.  We will be trying to work out soundproofing options so she can feel comfy singing in her room, and feel more secluded.

The master bedroom is currently painted Lavendar (and a lavendar I dislike!) and needs a bit of work.  The bottom molding needs to be fixed, as it is crooked and not flush with the hardwood floors.  I am thinking about painting the walls a nice clear gray color, with white trim, and going with mostly white for the bedlinnens.  I also want to enclose the bed with sheer curtains to make it feel like a romantic spa retreat at the end of the day.

The Bathrooms:

There are 2 baths, both full, in our house.  They are both serviceable and OK... just need some updating.  The Bath that Lily and Sabrina will be sharing is a tub/shower combo.  I am thinking about painting the walls red, and having the rest of it white... but I'm not sure about that yet.  The other bath is connected to the master bedroom and also connects to the laundry room, which leads to the family room.  It only has a shower (my bubble baths will have to take place in Lily/Sabi's tub) but is otherwise nice enough for now.  I haven't really decided on color choices for it yet, but want to do something that will transition nicely from master bedroom and also to the laundry room.

I want to make the laundry room nice, too, since I am the one who will be making most use of it :)

Well, that is the house and my current ideas about decorating.  We are going tomorrow for an inspection and I hope to have more and better pictures to share with you soon!

Creative Revival Launched

Last night, after some technical issues, I finally got the website for Creative Revival published.  It's still under construction and a bit fuzzy around the edges but I like it overall.  I'd love to hear what you think about it!

Today I am  working on strategic planning and structure, I worked out a preliminary draft of bylaws to discuss with Anastasia when we meet later this week.

Everything seems to be going really quickly but not uncomfortably so.  Anastasia and I seem to work together really well and I am looking forward to developing a professional and friendly relationship with her over the next months and, hopefully, years.

As today is Tuesday, I have my regular southbay discussion meeting at 8.  Today a member sent an interesting article about homelessness in America and I responded with a discussion of the root causes of generational poverty cycles and also challenged the other members to come up with possible/realistic solutions to the problem, especially those who are really angry that 'no one's doing anything about it!'

I look foreward to hearing some interesting suggestions :)

Time to get back to work, sorry for the dry and boring report... I hope to write something more interesting once I'm done with the dry and functional work of creating the documents for Creative Revival.

You can visit our website at www.creativerevival.org