Birthday Lunch For Grandma Dayle

We have been lucky enough to have a visit from Eric's parents and brother for the last week. It's been wonderful to see them and since Dayle's birthday is the 29th, I had the chance to get a little creative and make a nice birthday lunch and cake. Everything was super yummy so I thought I'd share my menu and recipes for these somewhat eclectic dishes :)

Menu:

Cold cucumber mint soup

A summertime favorite that is light and refreshing on a hot day.

BLTA's

A nice light accompaniment to cold soup for summer lunch

Mother's Chocolate-Maple-Bacon mousse cake

This is one of my creations, mixing three of my favorite flavors. This produced a well-balanced and rich cake that I intend to make over and over again.

Indian-style tea

Great hot or iced, the subtle spice and richness is always a yummy treat!

Cucumber-citrus water

A great refreshment when it gets hot. The cucumber and citrus blend adds a pleasant floral note to the water and eating the cucumbers out of the water is one of Lily's favorite treats.

Cold Cucumber-Mint Soup

1 large cucumber, skinned & chopped

2 cups Buttermilk

1 cup plain yogurt

1/4 chopped fresh mint

1/2 tsp. salt

Combine all ingredients in blender, blend until mostly smooth. Refrigerate at least 1 hour before serving. Garnish with mint leaves or cucumber slice.

BLTA's

2 strips of bacon for each sandwich, cooked and cut in half

2-3 slices of tomato per sandwich

3-4 slices of avocado per sandwich

Spring mix as lettuce

whole grain and nut bread, toasted

Mayonnaise

We arranged all of the ingredients on pretty platter and let everyone make their sandwich as they liked it.

Mother's Chocolate-maple-bacon Mousse Cake

Cake

2 oz semi-sweet chocolate

1/4 c butter

1/2 c buttermilk

1/2 c sugar

1/4 c strong brewed coffee

1/2 c maple syrup

1 egg

1/2 tsp. maple extract

1 c flour

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 c. bacon cooked and diced

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. melt chocolate with butter in small pan, let cool.
3. in a large bowl, combine sugar, syrup, coffee, and buttermilk. Stir in egg, maple extract, then chocolate.
4. In a medium bowl mix flour, baking soda and salt. Stir mixture into wet ingredients. Blend until smooth. Add 1/2 c. of diced bacon into batter and stir well.
5. Pour batter into lightly greased 8" round cake pan (springform works best) and bake for 25 mins. or until toothpick in center of cake comes out cleanly.
6. Let cake cool completely, preferably in fridge.

Mousse:

2 c. Heavy whipping cream (divided- 2/3 cup + 1 1/3 Cup)

2 1/3 tsp. maple syrup

8oz semi-sweet or milk chocolate chips (or chopped)

1/2 c bacon (to garnish)

1. bring 2/3 cup of heavy cream to boil in small pan. In heat-safe bowl combine chocolate chips and maple syrup.
2. Pour boiling cream over chocolate/syrup and let stand for 1 minute. Stir well then add in other 1 1/3 cup of cream. Stir completely.
3. Refrigerate for 1 hour.
4. Mix with hand mixer until mix has a fluffy, mousse-like texture.
5. Ice cake with mouse then top with reserved diced bacon.
6. Refrigerate before serving

Indian style tea

3 black tea bags

6 cups of water

8 cardamom pods, lightly crushed

1 tsp. sweet curry (Cinnamon, cardamom, and turmeric mix)

1/2 c. evaporated milk

Bring tea, water, and spices to boil in medium saucepan. Remove teabags and cardamom pods with slotted spoon and add evaporated milk to boiling tea. Turn off heat and stir well. Allow to cool for a few minutes and add sugar to taste. You can serve this iced, but be sure to add sugar before pouring over ice.

Cucumber-Citrus Water:

1 cucumber, sliced

1 orange, sliced

1 lemon, sliced

water

Combine ingredients in pitcher and add water to fill. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour to allow flavors to meld. Serve over ice.

If any of you make any of these I'd love to hear about how they worked out for you. I don't cook often but when I do I usually like to experiment and make something new (at least to me). I am currently thinking about making rice pudding in hollowed-out citrus as bowls. If I can figure out how to get them to work correctly I will post a recipe for all interested parties.

But remember the sunlight

Rereading my last post I realize I speak only of the melancholy and forget to share the sunlight.

In re-finding that once me, me, there is also joy of recalling friendships, moments, and loves I had forgotten. It's sometimes easier to bemoan the darkness than it is to exclaim the beauty of life. I've often been excessively guilty of this in my past and I would like to become an exclaimer instead of the bemoaner.

Getting to know who I once was

Because I have a very spotty memory of my life, and always have, I made it a point to try to keep all of my journals and letters and writings throughout the years. My intention was always to one day organize these artifacts and read the story of my life through my own thoughts and words, artwork, and also the letters I received from others.
The time has arrived when I have started the archiving and reading. I guess I didn't quite know what to expect from this journey; it is both easier and harder than I imagined it would be.
I always had this image of myself, even when I didn't have a connective narrative, as an essentially kind and generous person. I've also always thought of my past me as a victim and never as a victimizer. I knew I was damaged in many ways and full of pain and neediness. I knew I was lonely, disconnected from the world and reality, lost a lot of time, likely insensitive to the emotions of others, and severely limited in my capacity to experience and understand my own feelings and experiences. I was right about all of these things; I was not seeing the other truths of who I was.
I do not blame myself for being the person I was, even at my most awful, because I was simply the person I was shaped into being. Not blaming myself, though, does not mean that I can so easily excuse myself or maybe even forgive myself for the things I see I have been. Perhaps the real truth is that I can forgive who and what I was but it is not so easy to forgive myself for all of the people I injured along the way.
Yes I was a victim and had all of the pain and confusion I recognized. I was also an abuser. I may not have hurt anyone intentionally, but I see that I hurt many people and maybe it was worse for them because I never even understood the hurts I caused.
It truly pains me to read these journals and know I may never remember who I was writing about; I will never have the chance to apologize to many of those I hurt. Now I read these things and wonder how my behaviors affected the people involved; I simply did not connect my actions with other people's feelings unless I was acting directly to their face. The vast majority of injuries I caused may have been due to a disconnect inside of me. I couldn't understand that people actually existed when they were not in my presence.
As a student therapist I can see this and say; I did not develop real object permanence until maybe 2 years ago, and I still struggle with it to this time, I also wasn't able to form secure attachments to other people until then. I understand this was not my fault, this is the kind of issue that develops in the first 2 years of life, and the instability and violence of my family life in my first years of life certainly explain this very well. Since I was only able to achieve secure attachment and object permanence once I began taking Cymbalta it is also clear that my brain became chemically incapable of producing and/or processing the neurotransmitters associated with these emotions; I truly did not have the ability to change this until I found this medication.
The fact remains, though, that I can be responsible for my actions regardless of whether they were my fault.
As I read the thoughts and experiences of that me I was once, I am no longer full of shame or disgust (the emotions that always stopped my attempts before) at who I was. Now it is with profound sadness that I discover the pitiful child I was into my late 20's. Sadness for her, yes, but even more sadness for everyone who loved her and had to witness or endure the results of who I used to be.
I've had a lifetime to know and understand the burdens I carried and the hurt I could not escape, but it is only now; as I face myself as mother, therapist, and adult; that I can wonder what it must have been like for my mother, brother, sister, aunts & uncles, cousins and friends. What must it be like to love someone who cannot really know you exist when you are not with them? What must it be like to love someone who cannot consistently accept or show love, who sometimes loves you unbearably--like a child-- and sometimes doesn't even recognize or acknowledge your existence at others.
I will probably never be able to understand what it must have been like to care about me then. I can only imagine that it would hurt, a lot. I will probably never have the chance to make amends or even apologize to everyone who suffered by my actions; this truth makes me very sad.
As I read these things, with psychologist eyes, I can begin to label and quantify all the chaos and confusion of that me. Disorganized attachment, failed object permanence, features of borderline and also schizoid personality disorders. These labels give me the comfort of understanding better, of knowing I am not the only one who has been like this, of knowing how to continue to improve and heal.
They cannot, however, soften the sadness of having hurt so many beautiful people. The regret of destroying so many relationships that could have been amazing parts of my life, and of forgetting so many relationships that are a part of this person I used to be.
I wish I could remember all of the people who have once been a part of my life, and I wish I could apologize for the pain, confusion, and damage I have inflicted in the lives of many. Maybe one day I will find some way to accomplish one or both of these things. Until then, I can only continue to get to know that me and find the courage to accept and understand the whole of who I was instead of the idealized version I've carried along with me thus far.