As I am wrapping up my second quarter at JFK I am really beginning to question the logic of completing this program. I know I want to pursue an advanced degree in psychology, but I am not at all sure that I want to be a full-time therapist.
I knew, entering this program, that I might not want to be a practicing therapist but figured that the only way to find out would be to give it a try. As I get deeper into the work of this program I find that I am much more interested in the research and theoretical ideas of psychology than I am in the practical application of therapy. This program, though, is clinical, not research oriented. It likely will not even transfer into a phd program, which is where I'd need to go to be able to do research and teaching, and would then end up being a waste of 45,000 and 2.5 years of my time.
On the upside, I would leave with the opportunity to become licensed, though not for 3 years after graduation... I could get a job as an intern though.
A couple of considerations: 1)having lived in California for a year now, I qualify for in state tuition at the public universities. This is more like 6-10,000 per year instead of the 20K+ that JFK charges, and in a phd program I am more likely to get funding to pay tuition (at some programs it would be free tuition plus a stipend!).
2) If I stay in the MFT program I will graduate with my Masters and as an MFTI (intern) in July or so of 2012. As an intern I might be able to get a job making 30-40,000 per year (though many interns are not finding anything nowadays) and will not be eligible for full licensure until sometime in 2015.
3)If I leave the masters program I will not be able to enter into a PhD program until fall of 2011, assuming I am accepted into a program, and would not finish my degree until probably 2016 at the earliest. With a PhD, though, I will have much greater earning power and have the option to teach at major universities etc.. and write/get published more easily.
It kind of seems most logical to leave the program and apply to PhD programs, especially since I'm only 2 quarters into the degree, but I guess I just feel disappointed to have wasted time, energy, and money just to find out that it will really not count for anything (except maybe a few good recommendations for a PhD program). I am also unhappy about the idea of having to wait a year and a half to get into a different program!
Then again... If I stay, I will be spending 40,000 more on a degree that is not going to get me where I want to be. I would love to do 5-10 hours of therapy a week but that is not adequate as a real career unless I'm able to do research, teaching, and paid writing as well. The MFT just isn't made for the rest of what I want to do...
Arggh! I have three weeks to decide... guess I better make some appointments to talk with people at those PhD programs and make sure I'd be competitive for admission.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Fun get to know you thing-ey.
I'd love to know your answers to these fun questions! Please post them as a comment here so I can get to know you better!
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? As serious as any relationship with me can be—I’m not known for seriousness
02) What was your dream growing up?—To be a scientist and make a lot of super-exciting discoveries about the world.
03) What talent do you wish you had? I really and truly wish I was able to be and stay organized; especially in my domestic life.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Alcoholic: Frangelico or Sherry, Non-alcoholic: Diet Dr. Pepper or Sugar-free Red Bull
05) Favorite vegetable? Hard one! Either Asparagus or Grilled Brussel Sprouts
06) What was the last book you read? Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”
07) What zodiac sign are you? Libra
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Ears pierced, too chicken for anything else.
09) Worst Habit? Getting so stuck in my head that I am oblivious to everything and everyone else.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Either that or ask if I could walk with you
11) What is your favorite sport? Intellectual/ conversational Judo
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Perhaps a bit overly optimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Play catch-up then compare notes on our respective theories and projects.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Having waited 33 years to move out of Missouri
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets? I wish!
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? After I recovered from shock I’d invite you in and offer you some tea.
18) What was your first impression of me? B- That you were frighteningly intelligent and very fascinating. R- I was intimidated by your powerful mind, self-confidence, and was afraid you would not like me.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Stuffed (not by a taxidermist): cute. Real ones: kinda scary. Stuffed by a Taxidermist: Not sure.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I would have smaller, more delicate-looking bone-structure.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Most likely your crime partner.
22) What color eyes do you have? Green-hazel
23) Ever been arrested? Yep
24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle—trying to avoid aluminum (linked to Alzheimer’s)
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Buy a reliable used convertible with a backseat big enough for Lily’s car seat.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? The Beach
27) Do you believe in ghosts? I believe in the ones from our past.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Theorize.
29) Do you swear a lot? Not anymore.
30) Biggest pet peeve? Intentional unkindness
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Mercurial
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? Probably yes.
33) Favourite and least favourite food? Fave: Persian. Least fave: Sushi.
34) Do you believe in God? I choose to believe, though I find it illogical, because I don’t want to have to worry about things I cannot control.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Yep
36) Favourite band(s) of ALL time: The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood and his Merry Men, The Dadaists, and the Existentialists.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? As serious as any relationship with me can be—I’m not known for seriousness
02) What was your dream growing up?—To be a scientist and make a lot of super-exciting discoveries about the world.
03) What talent do you wish you had? I really and truly wish I was able to be and stay organized; especially in my domestic life.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Alcoholic: Frangelico or Sherry, Non-alcoholic: Diet Dr. Pepper or Sugar-free Red Bull
05) Favorite vegetable? Hard one! Either Asparagus or Grilled Brussel Sprouts
06) What was the last book you read? Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”
07) What zodiac sign are you? Libra
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Ears pierced, too chicken for anything else.
09) Worst Habit? Getting so stuck in my head that I am oblivious to everything and everyone else.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Either that or ask if I could walk with you
11) What is your favorite sport? Intellectual/ conversational Judo
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Perhaps a bit overly optimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Play catch-up then compare notes on our respective theories and projects.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Having waited 33 years to move out of Missouri
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets? I wish!
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? After I recovered from shock I’d invite you in and offer you some tea.
18) What was your first impression of me? B- That you were frighteningly intelligent and very fascinating. R- I was intimidated by your powerful mind, self-confidence, and was afraid you would not like me.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Stuffed (not by a taxidermist): cute. Real ones: kinda scary. Stuffed by a Taxidermist: Not sure.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I would have smaller, more delicate-looking bone-structure.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Most likely your crime partner.
22) What color eyes do you have? Green-hazel
23) Ever been arrested? Yep
24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle—trying to avoid aluminum (linked to Alzheimer’s)
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Buy a reliable used convertible with a backseat big enough for Lily’s car seat.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? The Beach
27) Do you believe in ghosts? I believe in the ones from our past.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Theorize.
29) Do you swear a lot? Not anymore.
30) Biggest pet peeve? Intentional unkindness
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Mercurial
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? Probably yes.
33) Favourite and least favourite food? Fave: Persian. Least fave: Sushi.
34) Do you believe in God? I choose to believe, though I find it illogical, because I don’t want to have to worry about things I cannot control.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Yep
36) Favourite band(s) of ALL time: The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood and his Merry Men, The Dadaists, and the Existentialists.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Fasting and Enlightenment
In late 2005 I devised a plan for losing weight. I was, at the time, about 220 lbs and wearing a size 18-20. I had low energy and a troubling skin condition called Hidridenitis supporativa. I wanted to be able to wear beautiful clothes, feel sexy and beautiful, and create a new image for myself. While researching different methods of weight loss I was particularly concerned about having extra skin because I wanted to lose about 80lbs. What I discovered was that if one loses weight by fasting (water only), there is no extra skin from the weight loss and that, while low calorie diets result in loss of 25% or more of weight loss through loss of muscle, in fasting the loss of muscle is less than 2% of lost weight (as long as you have not reached the point of starvation, after fat is gone).
My plan worked well for me. I lost 80 lbs in about 5 or 6 months by fasting for 4-10 days at a time, eating whatever I wanted when not fasting, but exercising regularly on non-fasting days. I got down to a size 6, had no extra skin, my skin condition went into remission, I had a lot of energy, perfect bloodwork and bill of health by my dr (who was amazed that I had no extra skin!), and gained a sense of self-mastery and control by practising the great control necessary to overcome the basic urge to feed oneself.
I regained most of the weight I lost while I was pregnant with Lily, eating far too much and having low energy from pregnancy made me sedentary... then, after she was born I kept up my somewhat sedentary lifestyle and intemperate eating and settled into a weight of about 180. I am not terribly unhappy about my body or weight now, though I know I am not as pretty as I could be, but I am bothered by my lack of energy and motivation, plus I am again plagued with the skin condition HS.
More than that, though, I have discovered a kind of emptiness inside. A part of myself that I have actively dismissed since the attacks of 9-11; the spiritual part of myself.
As I am building my new world and Life in California, I have finally gotten around to looking outside of my mind for ways to improve myself and increase my happiness. After the ugliness of 9-11 I had simply shut down my soul because I couldn't bear to contemplate the incongruence between a loving and merciful God and the ugliness of the world. I did not want to lose belief in a higher power, so I accepted that while I may not really believe, I could decide to believe anyway... and this was enough for the last 8 years.
Finally I am ready to contemplate my soul.
Today is the second day of my first spiritually focused no-calorie fast. Instead of focusing on the goal of looking good, I am focused on the goal of purification and personal transformation. I am using the sensations of hunger and other bodily feelings as a way to transcend the way I perceive my reality-- physical pain as a neutral sensation to be experienced, accepted, and overcome by the will of my mind. And I'm finding that if I look at my hunger, headaches, etc.. as sensations divorced from positive or negative meaning, they no longer hurt or cause me discomfort... they become fascinating evidence of my humanity, to analyse, to understand, and to appreciate for the meanings they can give.
Perhaps this understanding that negative sensations are only perceived as such because we believe them to be so is the first part of a path to true enlightenment (whatever that is). For in learning, understanding, and accepting this to be true, it is necessary to consider all of the other things that we believe to have a specific meaning in this life. If physical discomfort, nearly universally agreed to be a negative experience, to be avoided if possible, is subject to different interpretations and potentially transformed into a positive or neutral sensation by will of mind, then what about the less "objective" facts of life?
I have but one firm belief in life: Do not harm anyone. This used to be "do not harm others" but now includes myself as well. Even more, I think I am developing another belief which may become just as firm as that... The limits of human potential are bound only by time and natural law... in essence, we each have the potential to become anything we believe we shall be.
If we look at our limitations rationally, what justification exists for believing in them? History? Other's opinion and experience? fear? insecurity? tradition? experience?
In each of the justifications we might find a way to estimate the difficulty of overcoming the limitation we are considering, and perhaps the difficulty of overcoming is higher than the benefit of overcoming that limitation; then we can believe it is not worth trying to overcome but we cannot rationally say that it cannot be overcome at all. For example, if I believe I cannot quit smoking, my experience tells me that I have not been able to permanently quit, other's wisdom tells me that it is harder to quit than heroin and also that other's have done it, and I fear failure as well as missing the pleasure I get from smoking. I might rationally decide that I don't want to quit, but not that I CAN'T quit. Thus it is with the rest of our lives.
For the truth of the matter is that we, every day, choose to be the person we are. We have habits, patterns of thinking and acting, desires, needs, and wants. All of this, and our memories etc.. make us into the complex and unique people we are, but we are never "stuck" with ourselves. We can always choose to change who we are, to change our thoughts, patterns, habits, needs, and desires.
We can choose to follow the path we are used to, it is comfortable and we know what to expect from our lives, or we can choose to create a new path-- the path of being the best human being we can possibly be. That path is scary, though, because we do not know what is down that road... what if we discover we are not cabaple or competent enough to become the person we always dreamed of? Of all the failures in life, this might be the worst we could face. I believe, though, that it is not possible for any of us to honestly realize that failure... the person of our dreams is necessarily the person we can be, if only we chose to be them.
For our mental dreams, fantasies, and desires may be nothing more than the honest whispers of our truest self: the self that wants to be realized but can only become reality if we transcend our fears and insecurities.
For me, this fast is about preparing to earnestly follow the path to the Juliette of my inner fantasies. In gaining control of my physical reality, I also gain mastery of my inner reality. By overcoming the physical limitations of myself I can concentrate on and better see the transparency of those inner boundaries I have feared for so long.
I don't know if that is enlightenment, but I do know it is a joyous thing to think of.
My plan worked well for me. I lost 80 lbs in about 5 or 6 months by fasting for 4-10 days at a time, eating whatever I wanted when not fasting, but exercising regularly on non-fasting days. I got down to a size 6, had no extra skin, my skin condition went into remission, I had a lot of energy, perfect bloodwork and bill of health by my dr (who was amazed that I had no extra skin!), and gained a sense of self-mastery and control by practising the great control necessary to overcome the basic urge to feed oneself.
I regained most of the weight I lost while I was pregnant with Lily, eating far too much and having low energy from pregnancy made me sedentary... then, after she was born I kept up my somewhat sedentary lifestyle and intemperate eating and settled into a weight of about 180. I am not terribly unhappy about my body or weight now, though I know I am not as pretty as I could be, but I am bothered by my lack of energy and motivation, plus I am again plagued with the skin condition HS.
More than that, though, I have discovered a kind of emptiness inside. A part of myself that I have actively dismissed since the attacks of 9-11; the spiritual part of myself.
As I am building my new world and Life in California, I have finally gotten around to looking outside of my mind for ways to improve myself and increase my happiness. After the ugliness of 9-11 I had simply shut down my soul because I couldn't bear to contemplate the incongruence between a loving and merciful God and the ugliness of the world. I did not want to lose belief in a higher power, so I accepted that while I may not really believe, I could decide to believe anyway... and this was enough for the last 8 years.
Finally I am ready to contemplate my soul.
Today is the second day of my first spiritually focused no-calorie fast. Instead of focusing on the goal of looking good, I am focused on the goal of purification and personal transformation. I am using the sensations of hunger and other bodily feelings as a way to transcend the way I perceive my reality-- physical pain as a neutral sensation to be experienced, accepted, and overcome by the will of my mind. And I'm finding that if I look at my hunger, headaches, etc.. as sensations divorced from positive or negative meaning, they no longer hurt or cause me discomfort... they become fascinating evidence of my humanity, to analyse, to understand, and to appreciate for the meanings they can give.
Perhaps this understanding that negative sensations are only perceived as such because we believe them to be so is the first part of a path to true enlightenment (whatever that is). For in learning, understanding, and accepting this to be true, it is necessary to consider all of the other things that we believe to have a specific meaning in this life. If physical discomfort, nearly universally agreed to be a negative experience, to be avoided if possible, is subject to different interpretations and potentially transformed into a positive or neutral sensation by will of mind, then what about the less "objective" facts of life?
I have but one firm belief in life: Do not harm anyone. This used to be "do not harm others" but now includes myself as well. Even more, I think I am developing another belief which may become just as firm as that... The limits of human potential are bound only by time and natural law... in essence, we each have the potential to become anything we believe we shall be.
If we look at our limitations rationally, what justification exists for believing in them? History? Other's opinion and experience? fear? insecurity? tradition? experience?
In each of the justifications we might find a way to estimate the difficulty of overcoming the limitation we are considering, and perhaps the difficulty of overcoming is higher than the benefit of overcoming that limitation; then we can believe it is not worth trying to overcome but we cannot rationally say that it cannot be overcome at all. For example, if I believe I cannot quit smoking, my experience tells me that I have not been able to permanently quit, other's wisdom tells me that it is harder to quit than heroin and also that other's have done it, and I fear failure as well as missing the pleasure I get from smoking. I might rationally decide that I don't want to quit, but not that I CAN'T quit. Thus it is with the rest of our lives.
For the truth of the matter is that we, every day, choose to be the person we are. We have habits, patterns of thinking and acting, desires, needs, and wants. All of this, and our memories etc.. make us into the complex and unique people we are, but we are never "stuck" with ourselves. We can always choose to change who we are, to change our thoughts, patterns, habits, needs, and desires.
We can choose to follow the path we are used to, it is comfortable and we know what to expect from our lives, or we can choose to create a new path-- the path of being the best human being we can possibly be. That path is scary, though, because we do not know what is down that road... what if we discover we are not cabaple or competent enough to become the person we always dreamed of? Of all the failures in life, this might be the worst we could face. I believe, though, that it is not possible for any of us to honestly realize that failure... the person of our dreams is necessarily the person we can be, if only we chose to be them.
For our mental dreams, fantasies, and desires may be nothing more than the honest whispers of our truest self: the self that wants to be realized but can only become reality if we transcend our fears and insecurities.
For me, this fast is about preparing to earnestly follow the path to the Juliette of my inner fantasies. In gaining control of my physical reality, I also gain mastery of my inner reality. By overcoming the physical limitations of myself I can concentrate on and better see the transparency of those inner boundaries I have feared for so long.
I don't know if that is enlightenment, but I do know it is a joyous thing to think of.
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