Seeing Me

I've been thinking a lot about how I want to see myself and also how I hope Lily will see me.  Sometimes it feels like an overwhelming task to become the me I want to be: Where do I start?

I guess that's why I've chosen to start with this task.  

As I consider all of the things I always feared I was incapable of becoming; a good mother, a responsible adult, financially secure, happy with my appearance, a reliable and sensitive partner, successful in business and art... happy in general; I start remembering where I was in November of 2001.

In November of 2001 I crashed.  In September I had a job as a beauty consultant with Christian Dior, I lived in a beautiful 100 year old building in a charming nieghborhood of St. Louis, I had an active social life with dozens of friends and threw regular after-hours parties at my apartment, I had a car, wore beautiful clothes, was a promising young fashion photographer coming out of my first show of my work, and I knew my life was just beggining.

In October the facade began to crumble.  I began having panic-attacks due to a new and horrible social anxiety.  I had to quit my job, lost my car, quit talking to all of my friends, and most of all I wanted to die.   By November the crash was complete.  I was basically home-bound out of fear of seeing anyone, locked away in my own mind, a month behind on my rent with no way to pay, and alternately determined to end my suffering (and life) or to not be a coward and take 'the easy way out.'  In the end, I decided that I would give myself one last try.  I would call around and see if there was any place an uninsured 26-year old could get help.

When I think about where I was then, and the journey that has taken me to who I am today, I am sure that I CAN become all of the things I fear I am incapable of.  I am sure, even, that I CAN become even more than those things.  

I have, at this time and place, the perfect opportunity to dream myself into existence. I can forget about what I 'can't' do and what I'm 'probably incapable' of.  No one here (that would remind me) has any pre-concieved notions about the kind of person I am.  I really am living a new life... it's up to me to decide what that life will be.

And this is what I know:

1. I cannot be a new me and still be the old me... I have to start as if I were the first page of an empty book, fill myself up from the foundation to the frosting, and look at who I will be without the burden of comparing that me to who I used to be or what remnants of her might still be hiding underneath.

That doesn't mean I won't share a great deal in common with the old me.  I, like everyone, had great qualities, talents, experiences, and emotions that are certainly going to make my list of things I want to be.  Even those, though, will be in some way renewed and improved for they can't help but be bettered through my growth and success if they are worth bringing with me.

2.  I'm going to dream big.  Sometimes people say to aim small and move gradually; that's not the path I'm going to take.  I'm going to create a vision of myself, figure out what makes that vision work, and then do whatever work it takes to achieve the qualities, skills, habits, and actions that will bring my vision to life.  I believe that I would rather become all of me all at once instead of having to go back and undo other bad habits before I can move further toward my goal.  I want to take the shortest route to success; I'm going to aim for what I want instead of what I could make do with!

3. I'm going to forget about limitations and failure.  I'm going to take the steps I need to take, break my goals into pieces as small as I need them to be, and tackle this miracle one moment at a time.  I'm going to stop worrying about "limitations" and find a way to banish the idea of failure from my thoughts.  The truth is, the only reason for my failure in my life has been my fear of failing.  Like so many people I have given up dozens of opportunities, missed out on hundreds of potential friends, and forgotten countless "amazing" ideas that I failed to act on because I was scared I wouldn't succeed, that I would be embarrassed by my inadequacy, that I would put myself out there and get rejected, or (worst of all) would not meet up to my own expectations of myself.  No more! From now on I'm only failing if I'm not trying!

So, back to my original purpose of this post. How do I want to see me/ How do I want Lily to see me?

• as a strong and capable woman
• as a responsible and reliable woman
• as a good and loving mother
• as trustworthy
• as kind and compassionate
• as successful in business and art
• as personally and professionally ethical
• as non-judgemental and open
• as wise and intellectual
• as happy and young-at-heart
• as healthy and attractive
• as someone who deserves respect
• as lovable 
• as someone who truly loves other human beings
• as someone who gives generously, in all ways
• as a creative thinker who makes her dreams come true

I guess that's enough for right now.  For tommorow I hope to have determined a little about what it would take to be those things (what qualities/habits/actions would likely result in having this view of me).  

Re-creation of myself

"Rebirth" Collage by Stitch

Since I've now begun a new life in California, I decided it's the perfect opportunity to make myself into the kind of person I've always wished I could be but thought I was incapable of becoming.  Perhaps the courage to become my ideal self needed a change of place in order to be born inside of me... but I have somehow come to believe that I CAN really be whoever I dream of being.

But, like any goal, the first step of my journey must be in the discovery of WHO I want to become (for it takes a destination to acquire the proper map).  WHO do I want to be?

In thinking about WHO I want to be I have determined that I first have to think about it in terms of my roles in life (a lot of my thoughts about how to become myself have been come to through the reading of Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and {perhaps strangely} Bartlett's Quotations).  The specific roles I have identified as being those I wish to focus on are:

• Mother
• Individual (body, mind, soul)
• Partner/Companion to Eric
• Artist
• Friend and Family Member (daughter, sister, niece, cousin etc..)
• Business-person
• Teacher/volunteer
• Community Member/ Leader
• Citizen

For the time being I have decided to begin with a focus on the first three roles.  I kind of put these together in terms of their importance in my life and to my (our) overall importance to my(our) happiness.  I am a bit conflicted about the ranking of mother vs. individual because, while I feel my primary responsibility and concern must be as a mother to Lily, I also feel that the best way for me to be a good and responsible mother to Lily is to be happy, fulfilled, and responsible to myself as an individual.  In any case, at this time I think that building a life (and home) for my nuclear family unit that is beautiful and supportive will serve as the proper foundation for my (our) happiness and security.  

In a way I think that my roles, which I kind of think of as my 'circles of concern' can be categorized in terms of their nearness to my central core.  The first three: Mother, self, partner can be seen as internally focused-roles, I will call them my primary roles/concerns. The second three, artist/friend and family member/business-person, are both internally and externally focused and dependent, I will call them my secondary roles/concerns.  The last three , teacher/volunteer, community member/ Leader, and citizen are externally focused roles that I will call my tertiary roles/concerns.  

The reason I feel the need to break these up into categories of concern and closeness is because I feel that it is a nearly overwhelming idea to completely re-evaluate and re-create oneself if taken as a whole.  In my experience, big ideas and goals often require dissection and portioning in order to approach them in a realistic and effective manner and avoid getting discouraged-- at least for me.  

I plan to work from the inside out-- I will begin with my first three roles, thinking about, planning, and understanding who/what I want in my personal/internal life.  I feel that once I figure out who/what I want to be there I will have a firm foundation for being who/what I want to be in my more external roles-- I also deeply believe that until I am who I need to be inside that I will be incapable of becoming who/what I want to be in my more external roles.  The last three roles (tertiary), while important to me in terms of my overall life are concerns that I feel are almost like things I need to EARN the right to do.  

It is very important to me to share my experiences and wisdom with others, to serve my community and the world through volunteering my time and acting as a role-model and leader/servant for others, and to be a useful and effective citizen of my community(ies), country and world.  I feel that as a mother it is even more important for me to achieve the ability to work within these circles of concern because I feel it is important that Lily grows up with a desire to help others and be actively involved in her community/country/world.

So I will now start at the beginning of my journey: my primary roles/circles of concern.  In order to begin to understand where I want to go and who I want to be I will first ask myself how I want to be 'seen' in these roles.  That will be the topic of my next post.

Middle School Birth Control

King Middle School in Maine has recently decided to give their students (11-15 year olds) access to contraceptives, including the hormonal birth control pill, through a medical clinic attached to the school ( http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=142522&ac=PHedi ).

Parents must sign a permission slip in order for their children to be treated at the clinic, but it is presented as permission to treat in the case of accident or illness. Children requesting birth control from the clinic will be issued their contraceptives without parental consent or notification of this. Maine law also, somehow, provides doctor patient confidentiality for 11 year olds which keeps parents from having access to their child's medical information with regard to the clinic.

While many people applaud the school for giving these children access and believe it will help prevent pregnancy and provide them with appropriate medical care, I think there are some serious problems with this.

1. Contraceptive medications are not without risks. They can cause blood clots to occur, among other things, and even death. If the parents are not aware of their child being on this medication they will not be able to protect against potentially dangerous medical interactions with other medications etc... While Birth control is one of the most widely used medications out there; it is still a drug and it still has the potential to be dangerous when used incorrectly or under certain circumstances.

2. These children quite likely will not reliably take their medication. I think it is pretty unrealistic to expect that 11-15 year old kids will remember to take their pill every day and at the correct time. Likely they will forget doses and still believe that they are protected from pregnancy (no matter how many times they are warned that they are not). They are also unlikely to remember or pay attention to drug interactions that will cause BC to be unreliable. Antibiotics are pretty commonly prescribed medications, they often render hormonal birth control ineffective.

3. Lets keep in mind that the teens who are most likely to engage in sex at 11-15 are those who are less responsible and already at risk due to other factors in their home/school life. These factors also probably will make them less likely to properly and reliably use birth control.

4. Contraceptives other than condoms do not protect against STI's but often do give people a false sense of security. With teens, especially, you have the problem of "It can't happen to me" thinking when it comes to STI's.

5. How do we know that it is safe to give adolescents hormonal birth control? With their hormones coming to maturity and all over the place, naturally, it seems like it probably isn't the best thing to do.

As a parent I can say that I would be terribly upset if my daughter was given any medication without my consent. In the case of contraceptives I would be unlikely to accept any excuse. Whether or not my daughter would choose to engage in sex at such a young age (and I hope not), is a matter for us to discuss. But the main issue I have with it is that I feel like it would put her at risk, and that by not informing me of that risk and the danger signs to look for the risk is exponentially increased.

If, for whatever reason, I decided my daughter needed to be on birth control at a young age I think that it would be a choice I would want to fully research and decide upon based on what is the safest route for my child (and this decision made in conjunction with her doctor, not her school).

I do realize that there are some children who have parents who do not parent them etc.. and that these are the children that this policy is aiming to help, but I think in the end this policy endangers more kids than it helps... given the above questions.