A New Adventure

Sorry I've been absent the last couple of days. I had some work done with my dentist and have been feeling a bit icky... Happily I am feeling better now. I am also excited to report that I have some exciting professional news: I have a new job (of sorts).

On February 16th, Sabi and I went to this artists meeting and met some very talented people. It just so happened that it was also the first meeting of the group and I spent much of the night conversing with the group founder, Anastasia, and her friend Catherine. We were bandying about ideas for events to have the group organize and while we were brainstorming we were all pleased to find that we 'bounced' quite well off of each other. We made plans to meet later and discuss some ideas and all had various things to check outin the interim.

Well, I met with Anastasia again on Tuesday (we have also talked via email etc..) and after some discussion about the best ways to proceed, in order to take advantage of the energy and opportunity we currently have, is to work on incorporating our group as a non-profit, and file to obtain tax-exempt status.

About Anastasia and Catherine, it is quite exciting, for me, to be able to work with these women. Both of them are well-established and accomplished ladies who bring a lot to the table. Anastasia, who will be the CEO, is a published author and experienced actress. She worked in marketing for several years, enjoys 'schmoozing' and has a wide network of friends and contacts that will be valuable in our fundraising efforts. Catherine, who we hope to have as our COO, has a Master's degree in Theatre Administration, has organized many events, and also has contacts and Administrative skills that will prove quite important to our success.

I will be the CVO (Cheif Visionary Officer) and Co-President with Anastasia. While we will split the cheif position of the organization, our titles will kind of reflect our differing roles within the organization: I am, at the moment, acting as architect of the org.. I am writing up our mission, vision, business plan, creating our website, and basically building the structure of our business. Anastasia is going to act as our "cheif fundraiser" and essentially the public face of our organization. Together the three of us will develop the "what" of our org, I will figure out the how and why, and then Anastasia and Catherine will execute our plans.

This is really exciting, our organization has an amazing purpose (which I'll get to in a sec), and for me personally it seems to offer an opportunity for me to finally use my biggest talents to their full potential. I have always been a person who has great business acuity and ideas but I have lacked the managerial and sales skills that arenecessary to implement those flashes of brilliance. Here I have the chance to work with people who have the ingredients I lack in order to really make amazing things happen, hopefully for many people.

So the business:  the website is not finished yet but should be up and running this week (I hope). Our tentative mission statement is: It is the mission of ___ to utilize the power of Art to create opportunities, promote individual and community development, enrich the lives of the people we serve, and work together to fulfill Art's potential to improve society.

Our planned programs include: WAM JAMs-- social meetups for artists to make friends with other artists, network, share their work, collaborate, and have fun. Art House-- our headquarters, a property purchased in a blighted area and transformed into art through collaboration of member artists; Art House will serve as our offices, WAM JAMs venue, a place for us to hold classes for low income adults and youth, house community programs, and we will offer use as an event hall. We will help promote our members through our website, by offering creative opportunities/events/ competitions, and through networking. We also plan to offer a wealth of resources on our website, including forums and classifieds.

This is all pretty early in the planning stage; we still need to make our business plan, bylaws, and formally figure out allof the details. I'm very excited, though, and have my fingers crossed that this will be a fun new adventure and experience :)

Me: A Homemaker!

For all of my life I have had a particular opinion about being a homemaker: While I admired and respected the homemakers I knew, I always wondered a) how they could be satisfied with such a life, b)if they ever wanted 'more,' and c) why they chose to do that instead of something more 'important' with their lives.

Perhaps (probably?) this is a symptom of a particular feminist culture that I was raised in (in the larger culture).  As I've gotten older I have come to more and more appreciate the value and satisfaction that we all get from traditionally 'women's work,' and I've also come to feel that the idea that women's work is 'unimportant' (however it started) is an unfortunate idea that has sadly been promoted by some of the very people who hoped to advance the position of women in our society.

It was largely from this frame of reference that I started my journey into being a homemaker.  Since Lily was born and I began to try to figure out how to take care of her and manage a good life for our family, I have approached it from an attitude of homemaking as taking a backseat, in importance, to my 'me' time and my artistic/business pursuits.  

Because of this basic ordering of priorities I often felt frustrated by how much time I was having to spend as caretaker of my child and our house.  I would feel resentful at the idea that I had to 'do most of the work' in the house and scrimp on my duties in order to taker more time to myself and 'relax.'

I have been really thinking about my basic attitude about this and come to the conclusion that I really need to change my way of thinking about being a homemaker.  It's kind of amazing how much of a difference it makes to look at things from a different direction!

1. My primary job in our family is to take care of Lily and our home.  Eric works hard at his job in order to take care of our family financially, and also derive personal and professional satisfaction, and it is only fair (as his partner) that I take my job seriously and understand how important it is to learn my job well and realize how lucky I am to have the option to take care of my family full-time.

2.  I haven't the first clue about how to make a happy and healthy home for our family. Most people I know were at least raised in clean and functional homes and therefore have a pretty good idea of how to make a home work.  I did not have that experience as a child (in my own home at least) and must therefore learn for myself how to create and maintain a comfortable space for all of us to thrive within... also, I feel I was somewhat handicapped by not being taught to live in a healthy and clean way; I absolutely do not want Lily to grow up with those same deficiencies. 

3. creating and maintaining a home that is beautiful, comfortable, and stable IS an important job.  It is through our work as homemakers that we are able to provide a foundation for our entire family to thrive inside and outside of the home.  We give our families an oasis of safety and calm, and having this foundation provides the energy, feeling of security, and confidence for everyone to strive to reach their fullest potential.  In thinking about it, I believe that having the foundation of a stable home environment is perhaps the most important ingredient for a child to be able to explore and develop into the best person they can become.  So I no longer wonder how homemakers could be satisfied with such 'unimportant' work; I now see that our job is the glue of a family that works and is of at least equal importance to work outside.

So, in this spirit of understanding I am trying very hard to organize my home life and time.  I am reading books on how to keep house, thinking about the things I learned from my aunt (who is a great homemaker) and wishing I remembered how it all worked, thinking about the homemaking skills I've observed in the other women I know and trying to plan and schedule it into my own life.  I have given myself a year to learn how to be a reasonably good homemaker (in at least the basic ways) and have started by making a housekeeping schedule that, at the very least, will keep our house clean.  I am also trying to start cooking and planning menus.

It's funny, so many people consider the domestic arts to be 'easy' and therefore unimportant but I have to admit that this is the single most difficult undertaking I've ever encountered... it's complicated and very time and mind consuming.  There are dozens of things to remember all at once and the need to carefully fit into place all of the most important elements of the family.  All of this, too, in the few waking hours of day.

In conclusion, I am proud to say that I am (FINALLY) learning to be a homemaker.  I am joining a proud tradition of women (and a few men) who love their families and provide them a great place and way to live, thrive, find joy, recover from disappointments, and generally share a wonderful life together.  I wish I would have realized this years ago!

Becoming a Californian

All of my life, it seems, I have been struggling against what I, and others, have expected of me.  I know that the people who've hoped and wished for me to settle down, grow up, and get a real job have only felt these hopes for me because they love me and really deeply wish for my happiness.

For a long time I struggled to figure out how to do those things.  I felt guilty and ashamed because I never was quite able to fit into any of the ideals and positions that I saw other people fit into.  I envied my family and friends for being able to find contentment in their families, their jobs and careers, and their lives.  I wished I could be happy being a great housewife and mother, having a stable job that allowed me to have a comfortable life and be independent, and have faith in a spiritual belief that could give me hope and sustain me through the difficult times we all have to endure.

I made progress in my struggles:  I found a way to live independently, be reasonably secure, have good friends, and make some really important achievements.  Always, though, I felt like an outsider, like I was in the wrong place, or time, and I couldn't quite connect with other people and my life.

in July of 2008 I started taking a new anti-depressant, Cymbalta, which was a catalyst to me starting to have a new kind of life.  Since I was a child I was told by "professionals" that I would likely never be able to fix the emotional disconnect and limited feelings I experienced.  They all said I 'might' be able to slowly improve a little with therapy, but that the traumatic experiences of my childhood had likely permanantly damaged my emotional capacity.  For as long as I remember, until Lily was born, I was always (every day) suicidal to some extent.  I hated my life; I was incapable of feeling more than momentary joy, the only form of attachment I could feel was having an intense fear of losing the object of my attachment (none of the reported joyful parts of bonding), I could never feel deep connections with people (emotionally) because I felt like an emotional alien-- I didn't know anyone else who couldn't really feel, I felt isolated and alone--even with my closest friends and family... in all I was emotionally void.  My suicidal wishes were due to that emotional emptiness-- Since I had been told I didn't have hope, I always felt like it was masochistic and pointless for me to live my lonely and unlucky life.

With Cymbalta, though, a new door suddenly opened.  I first noticed that I was feeling an amazing sense of joy about being Lily's mother and experiencing her life and growth with her.  I also began to notice that I was feeling much more emotionally connected to Eric.  My experience of emotional growth spread very quickly and soon I was able to feel closer to my family members and friends, I felt like for the first time I could understand their feelings for their families and relate to them and their experiences.  Admittedly it was not all positive feelings I began to experience-- I also began to feel very guilty and sorry for the times and ways I had been very insensitive to the people in my life.  I began to understand how my actions and words may have been hurtful, even though I didn't mean for them to be so.  On the whole, though, being able to experience a full range of human emotion has been an amazing discovery and gift.

My experience of life was steadily improving in St. Louis.  I had gone from always being suicidal to, from October of 2007, having a reason to not want to die-- Lily needed me.  A few weeks ago, though, Eric was driving a little fast and I suddenly realized that, for the first time ever, I really and truly want to live!!! 

The thing is that being here, in this beautiful place, I finally feel like I belong (even fit in).  I don't feel like I'm missing some important element of humanity that lets me be happy with what makes other people happy.  I don't feel like I'm odd, eccentric, or weird.  I don't feel like I need to be anyone other than who I am.  

I've always been a big thinker, a dreamer (as they say).  All of my life I have felt like my ideas were too big, unrealistic, or in some way simply innatainable.  That belief was usually seconded by the people around me.  I was always "the creative one" and thus it was ok for me to be a little 'weird.'  The thing is, I'm not really weird here.

In St. Louis I was too self-conscious (due to my apparent oddity) to talk to most anyone.  I was even shy with my family and sometimes my closest friends.  But here, I go out and comfortable talk to strangers on the street.  Share my "big" ideas with people I don't even know in my art group, and find that they aren't impossible.  Here, my thoughts and dreams are appropriate, acheivable, and realistic.  Here, the impossible happens every day.

I wondered how long it would take me to feel 'at home' in California and I've found it didn't take me very long at all.  I almost feel like my life in St. Louis was a dream and I'm where I was always supposed to be.  I am  making friends and discovering that highly educated and successful people take me seriously and are interested in my mind.  I can talk to people, even in my house-cleaning clothes, and they don't judge my potential by my appearance.  Here, I am beautiful because of my talent, intelligence, kindness, and potential.  Here I am finding out that I really do have the beginings of all of the things I dream to be.  Here, I don't even fear (too much) that I'm too old to become successful.

I wish I would have been born here.  I've finally found my home.